John Cena and the Lost Art of Thuganomics

Holy crap, a post about wrestling. I thought this was a sports blog.

Remember when we didn't mock John Cena for his jean shorts? And... are those Super Mario mushroom wristbands?

There was a time when John Cena was universally adored by all WWE viewers, ages 8 to 80. And part of that time came towards the end of his first – and thus far only – stint as a heel leading up to Survivor Series 2003.

Ironically, it seems that those in the front row who wear the “We hate Cena” shirts and those further back in the bleachers chanting “Cena sucks!” to counteract the 12-year-olds’ “Let’s go Cena!” chants are the same smart marks who loved Cena’s “Doctor of Thuganomics” gimmick, both as heel and face, and rightfully so. The white gangsta rapper was a refreshing throwback (Get it? Because Cena always wore throwback jerseys?) to the blood-soaked glory days of the Attitude Era.

Granted, you can’t change the product too much too often, but nobody likes stale bread. At Night of Champions in September, Cena set the record for most WWE Championships won, with his tenth, defeating Alberto Del Rio. This marks the West Newbury, Massachusetts native’s 12th world championship, four short of the WWE-recognized record of 16 held by Ric Flair, and God knows how many more the Nature Boy had to give up as alimony.

To give you an idea of what those on the inside think of these developments, Chavo Guerrero has gone on the record stating he will quit watching wrestling if Cena breaks Flair’s record.

Ouch.

Cena draws a lot of comparisons to Hulk Hogan in his heyday, both good and bad. On one hand, he’s the face of the company, he does a lot of charity work (he is the most requested athlete through the Make-a-Wish Foundation), and he’s their biggest box office draw. On the other hand, his move set isn’t much of a step up from Hogan’s (though he’s got something a lot more interesting than a leg drop for a finisher), his matches are the same damn thing over and over (get some offense going, get grounded for a while, and then Super Cena), and he’s jammed down the throats of the viewers when other guys busting their asses on the undercard won’t even come close (but they’re getting a lot closer than anyone on the undercard in TNA, Hogan’s current employer, ever will).

There are positives to be said about Cena. He too busted his ass just to get to WWE, and he still prides himself on being a hard worker. He doesn’t see himself above the business. Yet the product we see on WWE programming doesn’t exactly translate accordingly, especially with the smart marks. And when WWE went PG (a move tied to Linda McMahon’s senate run but also rumored to be influenced by Cena himself), everything we loved about Cena was gone forever. Despite that brief reminder of his degree in Thuganomics during his war of words with The Rock leading up to Wrestlemania XXVII, we know we’re not going to see anything like that on a regular basis ever again.

There’s a fine line between character development and becoming soft and predictable.

Aside: How bad has WWE-PG gotten? Matches are stopped or paused when there’s any kind of blood, a ladder match is now considered “extreme rules,” and using the word “ass” three times in one promo is “barely suitable for television.” And as it relates to Cena, his finishing maneuver, the F-U, was renamed the Attitude Adjustment (how appropriate), and his signature submission was changed from the STFU to the STF.

But back to Cena – maybe there is hope for something more edgy, something more engaging. Despite the other comparisons to Hogan,  there’s one more item on the list:

Epic heel turn.

Dust off the hip-hop beats, the steel chain, and the Mitchell & Ness jerseys.

If Cena really is a modern-day Hogan with, as someone much wiser than me said, “his hand in front of his face instead of at his ear,” wouldn’t the next logical step be to find some way to put him in the alpha heel role that the 24-inch pythons found in WCW and the nWo? Whether it’s as part of a “poisonous stable,” or as a new corporate champion (and wouldn’t that be amazing leading up to his match at Wrestlemania XXVIII with the original corporate champion, The Rock?), or otherwise turning on the fans and the company he spearheads, it could do wonders for his character, the product, and the fans that so desperately want something fresh.

Yet despite what a Cena heel turn could do to pour even more fuel on the fire started by CM Punk leading up to Money in the Bank in July, the risk is quite great, and quite simple: as Vincent Kennedy McMahon himself has said countless times, “it’s all about the money.”

Cena is WWE’s leading merchandise point, and the downside of this would-be swerve is due to much of these sales coming from the parents and kids who don his colors and can’t possibly imagine why people would boo him in the first place if he’s the good guy. The way the cameras sell the pre-teens and girls’ reactions to anything bad happening to Cena (Survivor Series 2010 comes to mind) is basically WWE’s way of saying to people like me, “Your argument is invalid.” But on the upside, WWE could potentially generate more pay-per-view buys, more ticket sales, and in turn a more captivating product and hot crowds not seen on a regular basis since the Attitude Era.

If WCW could not only survive, but thrive from Hogan’s heel turn, surely WWE can do the same. Forget Ted Turner’s billions; Nitro beat Raw 83 straight weeks thanks in large part to the nWo. But this isn’t about a ratings war, this is about what’s good for the product. Linda McMahon isn’t going to get elected regardless. So cut the PG crap, turn Cena loose, and have fun.

Rob Gronkowski, Bibi Jones, and the Uptight States of America

Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski and a female fan. What's the problem?

Rob Gronkowski got into hot water for this picture? What is this, the 1950s? The only discouraging thing I see here is the awkward white rapper pose by Gronkowski. Even if he’s married, can’t a fan give him a hug?

Now Mr. Gronkowski has his shirt off. Still don't see too much of an issue here.

Okay, maybe now we’re starting to cross the line. Emphasis on maybe. But come on, I’ve seen more sexually suggestive photos of Sarah Palin on the cover of Newsweek. And it’s not like this blonde girl is trying to get in his pants or anything.

What? The blonde chick is porn star Bibi Jones?

I see.

I guess we’re taking the term “tight end” to a whole new level.

I’ll be honest – I’m 24 years old and single, I’m a guy at heart, and I still had no idea who she was until it was put into context. So much for your damn stereotype. I honestly thought she was Gronkowski’s girlfriend or the girlfriend of his friend that he was visiting during the Patriots’ bye week when this picture was taken.

Any time a star athlete with a bit of a cult following has a nickname like “Gronk,” it’s destined to be misconstrued into some kind of regional sexual innuendo. But perhaps never before like this. That being said, it does bring up an important question for our “leaders” and “role models” who decry things like this as another tear in the moral fabric of our country:

What the hell is wrong with you?

I’m not even kidding. Police are shitting on the first amendment by using tools and methods not permissible in war zones, we are $15 trillion in debt with another downgrade looming, and you want to complain about a professional athlete on his bye week visiting a friend at college and being introduced to one of his friends who earns her living through orgasms?

I see. She’s eye candy for an agent and had sex with at least ten professional athletes last year, some of whom supposedly became clients for said agent.

Okay, fair concern. One plus one equals two, et cetera…

Wait, are we still having this debate?

Well, we shouldn’t. Because there is no debate. Perhaps the “leaders” and “role models” have forgotten who we’re dealing with. We are talking about athletic, handsome young men (men being the operative word here) and a hot, young, blonde female porn star. It doesn’t take a high school guidance counselor to know what’s likely to happen (and, according to Ms. Jones, repeatedly has, and sometimes to the benefit of the aforementioned agent).

Robin Williams once said that “God gave you a penis and a brain and only enough blood to run one at a time.” But I don’t see how meeting a friend of a friend who just happened to be a porn star has ruined the Patriots’ season in anyway, so I don’t know if the critics are operating either one at this point.

Patriots owner Robert Kraft is one of the most intelligent, respected owners in all of sports, so even he could give Gronkowski a pass on this, right?

Kinda? Mr. Kraft says Gronkowski has to be more careful.

Again, a fair concern, but all evidence indicates Gronkowski was already very careful, especially in the most important category – what he let out. The pictures that were posted weren’t scandalous enough for the ESPN The Magazine body issue. Now, we don’t know what happened before or after the pictures were taken, but quite frankly, if anything of a sexual nature did occur between the happy couple, that’s the business of Mr. Gronkowski and Ms. Jones and not of anyone else.

Porn is not a crime, and Gronkowski didn’t even commit a misdemeanor here. You let me know when the Bibi-Gronk sex tape becomes widely distributed, and then we’ll talk.

Gronkowski has apologized for this (non) incident, but quite frankly, given what’s in the photos; more importantly, what’s not; and most importantly, who’s delivering the criticism, his official response should have went something like this:

Love, Gronk.

Moral of the story: If you take exception to Gronkowski having the most fun one can with Jones whilst keeping your clothes on, you seriously need to get laid.

Evan Longoria cuts a heel promo

Evan Longoria is tired of your motherfucking shit.

In the not too distant future, October 23, 2011 A.D…

The Tampa Bay Rays have won their first World Series championship in front of a sellout crowd at Tropicana Field. During the on-field trophy presentation, third baseman Evan Longoria is the first to speak.

“Thanks to my teammates, my coaches, the organization, and especially you, the fans.”

Cheers and applause.

“Yes, thank you… Thanks for coming to Opening Day 1998 and then not coming back until the playoffs three years ago. Thanks for bitching at me when I implored you to fill up the stadium at least halfway. Thanks for bailing on us on the last game of the season in the fifth inning when we completed the biggest September comeback in baseball history, capped off by my walk-off homer in the bottom of the 12th. And the Lightning – that’s the hockey team that plays here, in case you forgot – would like to thank you for calling the Boston Bruins demanding they take down an ad calling you exactly what you are – BANDWAGONERS!“

“Oh, you’re offended, huh? I mean, seriously, I played in front of bigger crowds at Long Beach State, of all places! Listen, you hicks need to hear this from me, and you’re goddamn lucky you’re hearing it at all. Because unfortunately I’m still under a long-term contract to play in front of a bunch of thumbsucking, unemployed half-wits who make every excuse not to come to our games when other teams’ fans play hooky to see them play, win or lose! You complain about the quality of this stadium and the difficulty in getting here when fans in Boston can barely breathe on the subway to their beloved century-old ballpark to see their beloved team. And through thick and thin they’ve sold out their tickets eight years running. Hell, the Cubs haven’t won a World Series since 1908 and yet they get celebrities to sing ‘Take Me Out to the Ballgame” for the Bleacher Bums at Wrigley Field on a regular basis!”

“Jesus Christ, if I had known I’d be playing in front of the biggest fraud of a fanbase on the face of the Earth, I would have never signed that deal, and I would have bolted along with Garza, Pena, and Crawford. The only difference is, I stuck around because we are a team and we stick together no matter who we play in front of – and yeah, I said ‘in front of,’ not ‘for.’ You people are like an ex-girlfriend who leaves a nice guy in the friend zone and suddenly starts clamoring for him when she ends up dating an abusive alpha male drug addict!”

“Yeah, you’re booing me because you’ve been there, you freaks. There’s no excuse for you not to pay almost nothing for any seat in the house to see a great young ball club, who are now, despite putting up with you assclowns, the champions of the baseball world for 2011. And those champions are… the Rays. Yeah, not the Tampa Bay Rays, or the St. Pete Rays, or the Tampa Rays of St. Petersburg, but just the Rays. Because as if shedding “Devil” from our name wasn’t enough, now we untied ourselves from something truly evil. Because quite frankly, the closest thing to ‘greatness’ you people deserve is accidentally living in the same town as Hulk Hogan. Come on, guys, let’s go celebrate where we’ll actually be recognzied.”

Bart Scott would be proud.

LeBron James’ Cavalcade of Stupid Bullshit

Somehow lost in the shuffle of LeBron, D-Wade, that other guy and the other other guys falling short in the NBA Finals was the fact that the Dallas Mavericks actually won the damn thing. This very well may be the first championship in the four major American sports wherein the losing team got more coverage than the winning team. I mean, even after the Patriots lost in Super Bowl XLII, the Giants got at least half the airtime, if only because The Hoodie and his players didn’t want to talk about it.

LeBron James, on the other hand, has the opposite problem – he talks too much. And his verbal diarrhea that hasn’t stopped leaking since the Finals ended only reminded us of the undercooked beef that started this whole mess.

*Cue harps and squiggly camera effects*

“This fall, I’m going to take my talents to South Beach and sign with the Miami Heat.” – The Decision

There were so many awful things about The Decision that, even if LeBron said “I know that the past couple of years have been a disappointment, and the only way to make things right is to re-sign with the Cavaliers,” I would still have a few… issues… with the LBJ Administration, Jim Gray, and ESPN. Remember, the Worldwide Leader promised the decision itself would come in the first 15 minutes of the program. Yet it wasn’t until nearly halfway through the hour that Jim Gray finally asked the first of half-a-dozen highly ambiguous questions in a softball interview that would make Fox News jealous.

“Crazy. Karma is a b****.. Gets you every time. Its not good to wish bad on anybody. God sees everything!” – On Twitter, January 12, amidst Cavaliers’ record losing streak

Karma? Look, son, I don’t want to hear one word about “karma” after what you did to the city of Cleveland last July. And you’ll really be calling karma a bitch after what she did to you over the past two weeks.

‎”All the people that were rooting me on to fail… have to wake up tomorrow and have the same life they had before.” – Press conference after Game Six

No problem, LeBron. I will. Casey, a Cleveland native and friend of mine (to whom I throw repeated jabs about the Indians), had this to offer in reply, which I think goes for all of us: “I happen to like my life. And I have just as many NBA Championship rings as LeBron does.” And yet Brian “The Custodian” Cardinal has more rings than us. And Adam Morrison has more rings than Cardinal. Somebody fix The Matrix, please.

“I would never ever look at myself bigger than anyone who watched our game.” – Clarification of the previous comment

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it totally makes sense to say “I told you so” after you get paid a max contract to choke in the biggest series of your life. I mean, unlike your first trip to the NBA Finals (which no one remembers because it was played against the Spurs –  but that’s for another article), your team actually had a chance this year! What do you expect us to think when you’re playing alongside two of the league’s premier stars and you still don’t fare much better in your return trip to the Finals?

“The Greater Man upstairs know when it’s my time. Right now isn’t the time.” – On Twitter, June 13

Some interpreted this as LeBron blaming God for the loss. Look, I’m actually going to give LeBron credit for this one. I don’t see this as blaming. I see this as a mere acknowledgement of the Divine Plan. One of my biggest inspirations, George Carlin, always wondered why professional athletes thank God for their winning performances, but never say things like “God made me drop that game-winning touchdown” or whatever. That being said, if I were a professional athlete – hell, if I were that level of Christian – I would never credit nor blame God for anything that goes down in my career. It’s all up to the individual.

*harps and squiggles*

Whew, it was all a dream. I can turn on SportsCenter and see their Mavericks tribute.

WHAT THE FU—

I am aware this was from earlier in the Finals. Just trying to make a point.

Five early thoughts on the 2011 NBA Draft

1. Kyrie Irving is already a Cleveland Cavalier.

If this holds true, Irving will end up in the same situation John Wall found himself in when he was taken by the Wizards last year – a shining prospect next to an established NBA veteran at the point. The only difference is, the Cavaliers appear in no hurry to ditch Baron Davis because of gun violence fears. One potential solution, however, to any “position battle” would be for the Cavs to try and dangle B. Diddy as trade bait for some help at every other position. Either way, if the Cavaliers want to heal the rift left by “The Decision,” after they take Irving they’ll have to be very careful with the fourth overall pick.

2. The Los Angeles Clippers are kicking themselves.

Instead of finding that dynamic point guard to throw alley-oops to Blake Griffin all day, the Clippers traded any shot at a point guard whatsoever to the Cavaliers for… Mo Williams? Sick play. Cap room or no cap room, not only was the Baron Davis trade a bad idea when it happened, it’s an even worse idea now.

3. Enes Kanter is either the next Vlade Divac or Darko Milicic.

The scouting reports indicate Kanter has high basketball IQ and is a great passer. Sounds a lot like Divac. (The jury is still out on flopping, though.) But you don’t need a talent scout to see that Kanter, after leaving Kentucky to play pro ball in Europe, is coming into this draft greener than Force and Sully on a sightseeing trip at Chernobyl. I don’t know how many teams can afford to roll those dice, but I do know that, as indicated earlier, the Cavaliers certainly can’t.

4. Jimmer Fredette is an accidental lottery pick.

If Harrison Barnes, Jared Sullinger, et al had declared for this draft, we might not even be talking about The Jimmer being drafted in the first round, let alone in the lottery. (This mock has him going 13th to Phoenix. Wait, he’s a point guard?) Some say Fredette is undersized and overrated, but even if he takes the same career path as J.J. Redick and not Adam Morrison, it will be all worthwhile. (Then again, who else can say they have two NBA championships just by riding the bench?)

5. The changing of the guard starts now.

In a very thin draft class, the Celtics have the 25th pick, the Spurs have the 29th pick, and the Lakers don’t have any first-round picks. For true NBA fans, this bodes well as competition should be relatively fresh for the foreseeable future. For the fans of those franchises, you have to hope your younger players and role players step up, because Pierce, Duncan, and Kobe won’t be around too much longer. And for the casual NBA fans… go watch hockey. They could use some viewers.

For the Red Sox, the time to panic is (almost) now

Historically, the Boston Red Sox and panicking have gone hand in hand, but perhaps never before like this.

The shiny new toys in Adrian Gonzalez and Carl Crawford – and the rest of the offense – are garnering mixed reviews: from “ugh” to “ew” to “blecch”.

The supposedly stacked bullpen hasn’t gotten the chance to prove its billing, because by the time Terry Francona gets to the bullpen, even Bobby Jenks, Jonathan Papelbon, and Daniel Bard are relegated to mop-up roles.

Carl Crawford and the Red Sox haven't had much to smile about through the first five games.

The starting pitching is just staggering – for all the wrong reasons. Jon Lester had never given up three home runs in a game until Opening Day against the Rangers. Two days later Clay Buchholz outdid him by serving up four moon shots. The starters’ combined ERA through the first five games is 8.54.

Generally, the Red Sox have had to hit the panic button sometime after the All-Star break, when their division lead begins to evaporate into the hands of the Yankees. This time, however, with expectations so high from the start, it may be time to call the proverbial players-only meeting and figure out what the hell’s going on. At this point, Red Sox fans could care less about breaking every offensive record in the book. All that matters at this point is one freaking win in the first week of the season.

Now, some will argue that there’s no need to panic, because the 1998 Yankees started 0-4 and went on to 125 games between the regular season and playoffs. Fair, but to the average Red Sox fan you’re comparing Three Mile Island to Chernobyl. The Sawx have gone 0-5 against the defending American League champion Texas Rangers (minus Cliff Lee, which basically amounts to moving your iPhone from Verizon to AT&T) and the Cleveland Indians, a franchise that went from winning to losing faster than Charlie Sheen on a case of Red Bull and a vial of coke. Fake stand-up tour sold separately.

The Red Sox have one more game against the Indians to get it right before the home opener against the Evil Empire on Friday. If Mr. Clean (please tell me I’m not the only one who calls Terry Francona this) and company can right their ship in due time (and with the talent on the field and the brainpower in the front office that they have, you know they can), perhaps this start will be just a footnote in what could be a historic season for all the right reasons and not all the wrong ones. If the exact opposite happens, however… then what?

The baseball season is a marathon and not a sprint, but the gun sounded a while ago, guys…

Why Ray Allen’s record matters

In front of a sellout crowd at the TD Garden and the Knick Killer himself, Ray Allen passed Reggie Miller as the NBA’s all-time leader in three-point field goals made Thursday night. And that begs the question: Are Miller and Allen bound for the Hall of Fame? Without a doubt they are. But they took very different paths to get there.

First, some perspective on the long ball: The three-point line in basketball is like the closer in baseball – a relatively recent addition that has made the sport infinitely more dramatic and given rise to some of its greatest moments and players. Granted, the Basketball Hall of Fame is home to far more three-point shooters than Cooperstown will ever be to closers, primarily because you have to do more than just shoot threes to make it in the NBA. Furthermore, because the three-point shot is so pivotal – a momentum-changing play that will bring the crowd to its feet or knees, depending which team sunk it – it becomes as important, if not more important, than a save in baseball. The equivalent of a three-pointer in baseball is exactly what a closer is trying to prevent. So for all the debate that exists over whether closers should be in the Baseball Hall of Fame, there should be very little debate that Reggie Miller and Ray Allen will be headed to Springfield when it’s all said and done.

Even though their career highlight reels will indicate otherwise, Allen and Miller did far more than drain 3′s at the best possible times over the course of their careers. Miller was a five-time all star, led the NBA in free throw percentage five times, and shot over 50 percent from the field for the year four times. And when the game was on the line, no one delivered the clutch shot more often or better than #31. Just ask Spike Lee.

But Allen will go down as a better overall player and team player than Miller. This is not to say that Miller was a selfish player, but stats don’t lie. Points per game: Allen 20.4, Miller 18.2. Rebounds: Allen 4.3, Miller 3.0. Assists: Allen 3.6, Miller 3.0. Steals: Allen 1.2, Miller 1.1.

Ray Allen’s newfound place atop the all-time three-point shooters list matters because he got there in a star role with Milwaukee and Seattle and as the second or third option in Boston. Allen has not averaged 20 points per game since 2006-07, his last season before joining the Celtics. In fact, his PPG is down almost a full 10 since he averaged almost 27 a night with the then-Sonics four seasons ago.

It matters because Allen wasn’t all about shooting; as the numbers presented earlier will tell you, he would rebound and play defense more than you would expect from a sniper.

It matters because Allen is still going strong and has twice as many All-Star appearances as Miller (ten to five).

It matters because Allen was just as clutch a shooter as Miller, even if he didn’t have a jaw-dropping sequence of trifectas and trash talk that earned its own two-hour documentary on ESPN. (Then again, Allen did star in He Got Game, a – you guessed it – Spike Lee joint.)

It matters because satire newspaper The Onion pointed out perhaps the greatest facet of Allen’s game – his humanity. The article “Pro athlete lauded for being decent human being” (written ten years ago when Allen was with the Bucks) reminds us all, in a scathingly funny way, that you can be a star in the NBA – or any sport – without being a dick. Recommended reading material for LeBron James.

It matters because unlike Miller, the man they call Jesus Shuttlesowrth has a championship ring to show for it. Allen did everything Miller did and then some.

Insert “The Jeffersons” Theme Song Here

I’ll be adding this to the links soon, but hopefully this speaks for itself:

http://www.examiner.com/high-school-sports-in-boston/sam-feeley

Awesome gig is awesome.

-Sam

The NCAA is Dead, Long Live the NCAA

Apparently Pryor can run from fair punishment, too.

So let me get something straight:

Cam Newton’s dad wants six figures for his son to play for Auburn. No punishment.

Terrelle Pryor and friends trade memorabilia for tattoos and cash, but don’t get suspended until the first five games of next season.

A “next season” where Pryor might not even be playing for Ohio State. He may be in the NFL.

Does anything make sense anymore in the NCAA?

Let’s be clear: When you play college sports, you are an AMATEUR athlete. Outside of your scholarship and any directly related expenses to your team (travel, lodging at road games, etc.), you do not get one freaking cent. No endorsements, no nothing. Why do you think your name is “QB #2″ in NCAA Football 11?

It’s a shame Myles Brand is no longer with us. If he were still alive and still in charge of the NCAA, he’d actually throw some justice down. What he did for athletes’ academic performance, he could certainly do for this wildfire of improper benefits.

Now that I think about it, Brand’s corpse could still do a better job than current NCAA chair Mark Emmert is now.

Worse yet, similar problems extend beyond 1-A football. Bruce Pearl at Tennessee and Cookout-gate. John Calipari and everything he’s done at Memphis and Kentucky. Tom Izzo’s recent “secondary violation” earned him a one-game suspension, though he owned up to it like anyone else should. Even the Arizona State baseball team, one of the best in the nation, is in over its head, having fired their coach and getting a postseason ban for recruiting violations.

The bottom line is this: If the NCAA wants to be taken seriously when it comes to dealing with recruiting violations and improper benefits, they should set an example. Cam Newton should be ineligible starting today. Terrelle Pryor and his buddies should be ineligible starting today. It’s that simple.

At the rate things are going however, it’s just another pipe dream, like 1-A playoffs and a baseball salary cap…

-Sam

Announcing Demo Reel – Reading vs. Lexington Basketball