Evan Longoria is tired of your motherfucking shit.
In the not too distant future, October 23, 2011 A.D…
The Tampa Bay Rays have won their first World Series championship in front of a sellout crowd at Tropicana Field. During the on-field trophy presentation, third baseman Evan Longoria is the first to speak.
“Thanks to my teammates, my coaches, the organization, and especially you, the fans.”
Cheers and applause.
“Yes, thank you… Thanks for coming to Opening Day 1998 and then not coming back until the playoffs three years ago. Thanks for bitching at me when I implored you to fill up the stadium at least halfway. Thanks for bailing on us on the last game of the season in the fifth inning when we completed the biggest September comeback in baseball history, capped off by my walk-off homer in the bottom of the 12th. And the Lightning – that’s the hockey team that plays here, in case you forgot – would like to thank you for calling the Boston Bruins demanding they take down an ad calling you exactly what you are – BANDWAGONERS!“
“Oh, you’re offended, huh? I mean, seriously, I played in front of bigger crowds at Long Beach State, of all places! Listen, you hicks need to hear this from me, and you’re goddamn lucky you’re hearing it at all. Because unfortunately I’m still under a long-term contract to play in front of a bunch of thumbsucking, unemployed half-wits who make every excuse not to come to our games when other teams’ fans play hooky to see them play, win or lose! You complain about the quality of this stadium and the difficulty in getting here when fans in Boston can barely breathe on the subway to their beloved century-old ballpark to see their beloved team. And through thick and thin they’ve sold out their tickets eight years running. Hell, the Cubs haven’t won a World Series since 1908 and yet they get celebrities to sing ‘Take Me Out to the Ballgame” for the Bleacher Bums at Wrigley Field on a regular basis!”
“Jesus Christ, if I had known I’d be playing in front of the biggest fraud of a fanbase on the face of the Earth, I would have never signed that deal, and I would have bolted along with Garza, Pena, and Crawford. The only difference is, I stuck around because we are a team and we stick together no matter who we play in front of – and yeah, I said ‘in front of,’ not ‘for.’ You people are like an ex-girlfriend who leaves a nice guy in the friend zone and suddenly starts clamoring for him when she ends up dating an abusive alpha male drug addict!”
“Yeah, you’re booing me because you’ve been there, you freaks. There’s no excuse for you not to pay almost nothing for any seat in the house to see a great young ball club, who are now, despite putting up with you assclowns, the champions of the baseball world for 2011. And those champions are… the Rays. Yeah, not the Tampa Bay Rays, or the St. Pete Rays, or the Tampa Rays of St. Petersburg, but just the Rays. Because as if shedding “Devil” from our name wasn’t enough, now we untied ourselves from something truly evil. Because quite frankly, the closest thing to ‘greatness’ you people deserve is accidentally living in the same town as Hulk Hogan. Come on, guys, let’s go celebrate where we’ll actually be recognzied.”
Bart Scott would be proud.
U mad bro?