John Cena and the Lost Art of Thuganomics

Holy crap, a post about wrestling. I thought this was a sports blog.

Remember when we didn't mock John Cena for his jean shorts? And... are those Super Mario mushroom wristbands?

There was a time when John Cena was universally adored by all WWE viewers, ages 8 to 80. And part of that time came towards the end of his first – and thus far only – stint as a heel leading up to Survivor Series 2003.

Ironically, it seems that those in the front row who wear the “We hate Cena” shirts and those further back in the bleachers chanting “Cena sucks!” to counteract the 12-year-olds’ “Let’s go Cena!” chants are the same smart marks who loved Cena’s “Doctor of Thuganomics” gimmick, both as heel and face, and rightfully so. The white gangsta rapper was a refreshing throwback (Get it? Because Cena always wore throwback jerseys?) to the blood-soaked glory days of the Attitude Era.

Granted, you can’t change the product too much too often, but nobody likes stale bread. At Night of Champions in September, Cena set the record for most WWE Championships won, with his tenth, defeating Alberto Del Rio. This marks the West Newbury, Massachusetts native’s 12th world championship, four short of the WWE-recognized record of 16 held by Ric Flair, and God knows how many more the Nature Boy had to give up as alimony.

To give you an idea of what those on the inside think of these developments, Chavo Guerrero has gone on the record stating he will quit watching wrestling if Cena breaks Flair’s record.

Ouch.

Cena draws a lot of comparisons to Hulk Hogan in his heyday, both good and bad. On one hand, he’s the face of the company, he does a lot of charity work (he is the most requested athlete through the Make-a-Wish Foundation), and he’s their biggest box office draw. On the other hand, his move set isn’t much of a step up from Hogan’s (though he’s got something a lot more interesting than a leg drop for a finisher), his matches are the same damn thing over and over (get some offense going, get grounded for a while, and then Super Cena), and he’s jammed down the throats of the viewers when other guys busting their asses on the undercard won’t even come close (but they’re getting a lot closer than anyone on the undercard in TNA, Hogan’s current employer, ever will).

There are positives to be said about Cena. He too busted his ass just to get to WWE, and he still prides himself on being a hard worker. He doesn’t see himself above the business. Yet the product we see on WWE programming doesn’t exactly translate accordingly, especially with the smart marks. And when WWE went PG (a move tied to Linda McMahon’s senate run but also rumored to be influenced by Cena himself), everything we loved about Cena was gone forever. Despite that brief reminder of his degree in Thuganomics during his war of words with The Rock leading up to Wrestlemania XXVII, we know we’re not going to see anything like that on a regular basis ever again.

There’s a fine line between character development and becoming soft and predictable.

Aside: How bad has WWE-PG gotten? Matches are stopped or paused when there’s any kind of blood, a ladder match is now considered “extreme rules,” and using the word “ass” three times in one promo is “barely suitable for television.” And as it relates to Cena, his finishing maneuver, the F-U, was renamed the Attitude Adjustment (how appropriate), and his signature submission was changed from the STFU to the STF.

But back to Cena – maybe there is hope for something more edgy, something more engaging. Despite the other comparisons to Hogan,  there’s one more item on the list:

Epic heel turn.

Dust off the hip-hop beats, the steel chain, and the Mitchell & Ness jerseys.

If Cena really is a modern-day Hogan with, as someone much wiser than me said, “his hand in front of his face instead of at his ear,” wouldn’t the next logical step be to find some way to put him in the alpha heel role that the 24-inch pythons found in WCW and the nWo? Whether it’s as part of a “poisonous stable,” or as a new corporate champion (and wouldn’t that be amazing leading up to his match at Wrestlemania XXVIII with the original corporate champion, The Rock?), or otherwise turning on the fans and the company he spearheads, it could do wonders for his character, the product, and the fans that so desperately want something fresh.

Yet despite what a Cena heel turn could do to pour even more fuel on the fire started by CM Punk leading up to Money in the Bank in July, the risk is quite great, and quite simple: as Vincent Kennedy McMahon himself has said countless times, “it’s all about the money.”

Cena is WWE’s leading merchandise point, and the downside of this would-be swerve is due to much of these sales coming from the parents and kids who don his colors and can’t possibly imagine why people would boo him in the first place if he’s the good guy. The way the cameras sell the pre-teens and girls’ reactions to anything bad happening to Cena (Survivor Series 2010 comes to mind) is basically WWE’s way of saying to people like me, “Your argument is invalid.” But on the upside, WWE could potentially generate more pay-per-view buys, more ticket sales, and in turn a more captivating product and hot crowds not seen on a regular basis since the Attitude Era.

If WCW could not only survive, but thrive from Hogan’s heel turn, surely WWE can do the same. Forget Ted Turner’s billions; Nitro beat Raw 83 straight weeks thanks in large part to the nWo. But this isn’t about a ratings war, this is about what’s good for the product. Linda McMahon isn’t going to get elected regardless. So cut the PG crap, turn Cena loose, and have fun.

Rob Gronkowski, Bibi Jones, and the Uptight States of America

Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski and a female fan. What's the problem?

Rob Gronkowski got into hot water for this picture? What is this, the 1950s? The only discouraging thing I see here is the awkward white rapper pose by Gronkowski. Even if he’s married, can’t a fan give him a hug?

Now Mr. Gronkowski has his shirt off. Still don't see too much of an issue here.

Okay, maybe now we’re starting to cross the line. Emphasis on maybe. But come on, I’ve seen more sexually suggestive photos of Sarah Palin on the cover of Newsweek. And it’s not like this blonde girl is trying to get in his pants or anything.

What? The blonde chick is porn star Bibi Jones?

I see.

I guess we’re taking the term “tight end” to a whole new level.

I’ll be honest – I’m 24 years old and single, I’m a guy at heart, and I still had no idea who she was until it was put into context. So much for your damn stereotype. I honestly thought she was Gronkowski’s girlfriend or the girlfriend of his friend that he was visiting during the Patriots’ bye week when this picture was taken.

Any time a star athlete with a bit of a cult following has a nickname like “Gronk,” it’s destined to be misconstrued into some kind of regional sexual innuendo. But perhaps never before like this. That being said, it does bring up an important question for our “leaders” and “role models” who decry things like this as another tear in the moral fabric of our country:

What the hell is wrong with you?

I’m not even kidding. Police are shitting on the first amendment by using tools and methods not permissible in war zones, we are $15 trillion in debt with another downgrade looming, and you want to complain about a professional athlete on his bye week visiting a friend at college and being introduced to one of his friends who earns her living through orgasms?

I see. She’s eye candy for an agent and had sex with at least ten professional athletes last year, some of whom supposedly became clients for said agent.

Okay, fair concern. One plus one equals two, et cetera…

Wait, are we still having this debate?

Well, we shouldn’t. Because there is no debate. Perhaps the “leaders” and “role models” have forgotten who we’re dealing with. We are talking about athletic, handsome young men (men being the operative word here) and a hot, young, blonde female porn star. It doesn’t take a high school guidance counselor to know what’s likely to happen (and, according to Ms. Jones, repeatedly has, and sometimes to the benefit of the aforementioned agent).

Robin Williams once said that “God gave you a penis and a brain and only enough blood to run one at a time.” But I don’t see how meeting a friend of a friend who just happened to be a porn star has ruined the Patriots’ season in anyway, so I don’t know if the critics are operating either one at this point.

Patriots owner Robert Kraft is one of the most intelligent, respected owners in all of sports, so even he could give Gronkowski a pass on this, right?

Kinda? Mr. Kraft says Gronkowski has to be more careful.

Again, a fair concern, but all evidence indicates Gronkowski was already very careful, especially in the most important category – what he let out. The pictures that were posted weren’t scandalous enough for the ESPN The Magazine body issue. Now, we don’t know what happened before or after the pictures were taken, but quite frankly, if anything of a sexual nature did occur between the happy couple, that’s the business of Mr. Gronkowski and Ms. Jones and not of anyone else.

Porn is not a crime, and Gronkowski didn’t even commit a misdemeanor here. You let me know when the Bibi-Gronk sex tape becomes widely distributed, and then we’ll talk.

Gronkowski has apologized for this (non) incident, but quite frankly, given what’s in the photos; more importantly, what’s not; and most importantly, who’s delivering the criticism, his official response should have went something like this:

Love, Gronk.

Moral of the story: If you take exception to Gronkowski having the most fun one can with Jones whilst keeping your clothes on, you seriously need to get laid.